The Trouble with Vampire Boyfriends and Small Cats
by jrose452
Summary: Yes its a 'Bella gets a Cat' story, we all have one somewhere in us. Edward needs some cat advice from Carlisle. OneShot. EdwardxBella Set after New Moon. Just a bit of fun while I'm on holiday.


Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight, I didn't create Edward. I didn't create Carlisle (not one bit not even his fantastic calves). I merely play with them for practice and enjoy every second of it.

Author's note – R.I.P my dead fish Meaty, who inspired this little cat fiction. We all miss you, particularly your loving companion Two-Veg.

The Trouble with Vampire Boyfriends and Cute Little Cats

Edward was stood in Bella's kitchen, he was a little twitchy and for a vampire like Edward, that was a big deal. Checking his sleeves and chest for stains he quickly pulled out his phone and like all sons from a well rounded (despite the weird shit that went on at night behind Bella's back) and loving background he phoned one of his parents for moral support, guidance, understanding and general advice on what to do in a moment of crisis.

Carlisle meanwhile was in his office sorting through his current case load of patients. As always he was simultaneously trying to work out what was causing all Mrs Dotty's strange symptoms and why Esme always had that harsh unsatisfied look on her face when he came home at night from work.

Carlisle was sure he wasn't ignoring his loving wife, he'd made that mistake only once before when he thought there was another serious flu outbreak on the way, and consequently was conscious never to make that particular mistake again. Esme was the sweetest and loving creature Carlisle had ever known but when finally angered to the point of snapping Carlisle was the most scared he'd ever being in his long life. Rosalie's last snapped nerve had nothing on Esme Cullen!

But Carlisle was working exactly the same hours a week as last month and yet this last week Esme didn't look quite so initially pleased to see him when he came home. The expression always left as quickly as it came but Carlisle wouldn't be a loving attentive husband if he didn't notice and didn't worry about what it meant.

Carlisle was just beginning to wonder if he should go home with wild flowers and a squealing warm piglet tonight to help matters when he picked up the phone after the first ding.

"Are you busy today?" Edward asked quickly, this had Carlisle's senses pricked up instantly shifting his worry from wife to son in a moment, Edward was bothered by something and wanted to talk.

Carlisle was sure it had to be something to do with Bella, it always had something to do with Bella these days, but given Bella's interesting track record with the Cullen family, as to what the problem could be, he was never really sure.

Edward didn't have the panicky sounds he normally did when ever Bella was in danger or injured but he still seemed particularly unsettled about something. All this Carlisle could proudly pick up from four none-descript words out his first changed son's mouth.

"Well I am little at the moment but I can make some room for you, but it depends, what's the matter Edward, you haven't wrung me at work in that tone since you first got a sniff of Bella at school, nothing's happened has it?" Carlisle wondered, not sure if he should squeeze Edward in right now or push him back until this afternoon or even this evening when his shift finished, they could go for a hunt together in the woods tonight like they used to all those years ago when it was just the two of them.

_Well there goes my plan to seduce Esme tonight! She would understand, I know she worries about Edward constantly but she would understand. Hmm maybe it's alcohol poisoning and an over active Thyroid she does like to drink a lot and that would explain the bloody vomit but not the blue nails._

"I want to talk to you." Edward explained as if it was even necessary.

"Yes I gathered that. But about what Edward? What's happened?"

"I just want talk to you like we used to."

"Oh. Right. Hmm." Carlisle replied surprised at his own inability to form a sentence, he was a father, he was a doctor he'd being doing both for decades and yet he still found it difficult to form the right sentence.

"No I'm not talking to you about sex with Bella, I don't care what Esme says. I don't need that talk from you, I've had enough of it off Emmett to last me a few more life times. I'm sure." Edward quickly hissed out aware this unpleasant conversation was looming up on him from several sides now.

Carlisle quickly tried to sound casual and hide the fact that no matter what he did Esme had made sure there was no way Edward was getting out of this talk, he could push it off so far, but it was happening one way or another weather he liked it or not. Esme's last threat was to have Bella present at the time. Or even worse, get her to willingly agree to partake in the dreaded conversation something that Edward couldn't bank on being able to stop given Bella's obvious curiosity about what he hid in his trousers every day.

"Fine. Fine. We won't. But you know you can talk to me, if you wanted a different point of view, you know I'd never laugh at you over anything. I'm sure I've already proved that to you. I care about you both Edward. I want to see you both happy in all ways not just the easy stuff."

"Hmm."

"What is it Edward?" Carlisle finally sighed as clearly the sex talk was not what he needed right then.

Edward merely remained quiet, he had no cleaver thought out question, no burning desire he couldn't control that he needed Carlisle's help with, nothing. And that worried Carlisle and he wasn't sure why.

"When are you free?" Edward finally asked.

"I've got a gap at about half one, it's supposed to be my dinner break. I can actually take it today if you'd like. Come in my office window then and we can talk like we used to for half an hour." Carlisle explained and then quickly set his mind to worrying about what could possibly have set Edward into such a strange state this time. Edward quickly hissed a reply and put the phone down.

"Ok."

***

At twenty-eight minutes past one Carlisle stepped into his office to find Edward already sat on the comfy chair across from his desk with his eyes closed, it was a familiar pose for Edward to be in, he was either controlling his thirst, attempting to block out people's thoughts or merely thinking hard about something. Carlisle guessed it may well be a combination of all three today.

Upon hearing Carlisle enter Edward's eyes popped open and he looked up at Carlisle with a rather forlorn expression on his face. Something was clearly bothering him and he didn't have the right answer yet. Carlisle had seen this expression many times and it usually signalled that Edward already knew the right answer he just didn't like it and wanted Carlisle to give him permission to do the wrong thing.

This both Edward and Carlisle knew would never happen. Carlisle never gave silent or verbal permission to do the wrong thing ever, even if it was going to cause him some considerable discomfort for a long time to come. Jasper's sudden interest in hearing Edward's history to only go out and kill human's that caused pain and suffering on innocent others had already proved that point.

Jasper's further use of emotional warfare to try and aggravate and infuriate Carlisle into slipping had lasted several months and despite a house full of cold frustrated vampires that couldn't perform the basic mission requirements in bed, Carlisle kept his strong foundation and afterwards, Jasper never brought up a possible excuse to feed of a human again and Carlisle wouldn't let Esme leave there bedroom for four nights and five full days.

"So then Edward what's all this about?" Carlisle asked as he sat down at his desk. He gave Edward what appeared to be his undivided mental attention but that hadn't stopped him from organising his paper work back into their proper piles as he did.

_It's got to be sex with Bella. Alice keeps warning me that this has been the horizon for a long while. I kind of hope not, I'm still not sure what to tell him without repeating what he already knows, he'd never listen to me then and I'm quite sure I only have once chance to get this right, God help us if he turns out like Emmett-the-New-Born after Bella finally changes._

"It's not that!" Edward quickly hissed out. Carlisle switched his thoughts back to the patient file on his desk and asked calmly.

_The annoying physic son strikes again. Maybe it's not alcoholism at all maybe I'm coming at this from the wrong angle she could just of being drinking that one time, she did say it was the anniversary of her husbands death._

"Well then if I'm obviously so wrong, why don't you tell me yourself?" Edward didn't seem intent on telling Carlisle any quicker despite the uncomfortable sex topic being off the table now.

_Is it getting married, cold feet? Bella not liking his cold feet? But I don't know about that, she never seems too bothered about the rest of being so cold. Odd that for a human I'm sure. But she seems to like how cold his nose is on her neck. What did Rosalie call it? Ah yes thermal vampire-ism, maybe it's to do with some other cold tip of his? Maybe I should give the old dear a thyroid test anyway. Just knock it off the bill and pay myself, I know she can't afford it but it'll bug me for days if I don't work out what she has._

"Not it's not that either. Stop it. I'm not. I love her it's just she might not..." Edward grumbled ignoring Carlisle's patient thoughts, although rather good now at controlling his thoughts around Edward, Carlisle refused to stop thinking about his patients unless Esme, high heels, piglets and black lace were involved.

"She might not what Edward?"

_Want you? That's just daft, have you seen the lust fuelled looks Jasper gets when you two are curled up in your room together. It's worse than his hunger half the time._

"She might not love me back." Edward insisted as Carlisle sighed and decided it must be cold feet. Edward could be so unsure around Bella sometimes.

"Edward I don't need any particular ability to see how much she loves you. Even the young Black can see it. Why else would he be so jealous and angry all the time?" Carlisle explained but then saw that Edward just couldn't get his words out today.

"She just..."

"Come on, spit it out. What's happened? I may be immortal but I don't have all day." Edward sighed in defeat, he didn't like to blurt anything out, he'd seen enough people end relationship and cause all sorts of problems for themselves by doing this to know the moral tale about thinking before you speak was a worthwhile lesson to learn.

Edward may well of felt one should always think about what they were about to say first, but it was just too hard today so he started to ramble like everyone else in the world.

"Well you know how she got that little cat from her aunt because there wasn't anyone to look after it and although she didn't want to take it on, she did anyway and now she's got all attached to it and lets it sleep on her bed." Edward started but Carlisle's eyes were wide and his face flashed a wide unmistakeable grin that could make a nurse faint at fifty paces.

"You didn't?"

_You did, didn't you?! _

Carlisle felt bad for his broad smile and tried to squash it down to something more sombre, it almost worked and it was all because Edward was clearly very, very ashamed of his actions as he continued to ramble slightly.

"I couldn't help myself. We were, well, we were just, sat together, in her room, alone. It was hard with the way she was so...she was...she took her shirt off, she just had a little vest on."

"So we're not talking about that then?"

"No we are not!' Edward snapped quickly and then carried on looking a little bit more forlorn and rather golden eyed compared to this morning.

'It's just, it made it harder but I could cope... and then after... I was doing ok, I know I was and she was happy and I was sure she was safe from me. I was in control of it all, in spite of her being so...well you know. She was more...so...than usual."

"I do know, but I still wonder if you really know sometimes." Carlisle explained calmly now with a straight face but Edward still felt like he was being mocked a little bit so chose to ignore this comment and carry on with his tale.

"But then Charlie called her from the station, so she went off to pick him up take him in to town to get the new fridge. I wanted to go as well but Bella told me Charlie would never calm down and let her out again if I did. So I was going to go out into the woods for a while, maybe find a badger or a fox or something to help because I got the rather distinct impression she wanted to carry on when she got back if I could manage it. So I was being responsible Carlisle."

"Yes Edward I can see, that's a good way to try and build things up with Bella, little breaks now and then. Then what happened?"

"But well...IT was glaring at me again. It hates me. It's worse than that mangy dog of her's because it's always around. The mutt won't come over and see her anymore. But you didn't see it before when Bella brought it home, that dam thing stood on top of the fridge hissing at me, trying to claw at my face, swiping out at me all the time. Charlie thought it was funny, it's the only reason he agreed to keeping the cat in the first place. He likes anything that hates me and Bella thinks it's cute."

"She's not mad Edward, she does think you're adorable sometimes, so it's not surprising for her to think a hissing cat is cute. And as for Charlie, well, Charlie needs a bit more working on according to Alice. She assures me he's warmed up to the rest of us again, it's just you he doesn't like."

"I know he has. He thinks Alice is wonderful, he'd have her over all the time but he's still trying to punish me by punishing Bella. But I've never seen a cat behave like that before. Bella thought it was funny, normally people's pets just run away don't they, but this one, it's just so...well it was so..." Edward gave in at last.

_Edward you dumbass, what the hell did you go and do something like that for! It's just a scrawny little cat for crying out loud!_

Although thinking this Carlisle decided to speak quiet a different thought something that always amazed Edward in how multi-functioned Carlisle's brain could be.

"Accept this somewhat suicidal cat didn't run away from you?"

Edward had never 'heard' anyone that could multi-task in the same way Carlisle could as mid sentence he still wondered about his previous patient and listened into the nearby heartbeat. Edward always knew that Carlisle liked to keep his most precarious patients in the room next to his office and keep an ear out on them. Edward however had too much on his mind at the moment to think about any of this internal wonder at his father's mind.

"Well I just... I just couldn't stop myself. And. Well. It ran off into the woods and I chased it to get it back. At first I was worried about how upset Bella would be if it ran away because I scared it too much. And, well, I caught it alright but now...well...maybe I should of let it run away."

"Maybe?"

"But what am I supposed to tell Bella? Do I tell her some bear got it, she'd be cross I didn't take the bear down and let her cat be safe. I told her I didn't mind them with Emmett, I even told her they were a nice second choice because you get a lot of blood out of them. So I couldn't tell her a bear got the flaming cat and that I did nothing. She'd obviously take the cat's side over the bear because she's a sucker for the under-dog."

"You told her that?" Carlisle wondered a little surprised by some of the things Edward and Bella shared. He wasn't that surprised really as he personally shared everything with Esme it was just sometimes he wondered at how well Bella coped with the human/vampire wall of differences. She really was quiet amazing like that and therefore the general Cullen respect for her always increased whenever she showed it. Even Rosalie voiced her surprise that Bella hadn't just fainted or run away screaming when she worked out what really made Edward stare at her that first day in Biology class.

Edward merely sighed and replied.

"She was curious. I wasn't sure about telling her at first but she seems to really grasp how hunting is actually lots of fun. She always tells me to 'have fun' when I leave her for a few days. I think she kind of views it as my favourite hobby, not just lunch-time."

"Well I suppose it is. And I suppose it's not that surprising that once she's got over the initial shock, which she did really well, she would be curious about it all and ask you questions still."

"Yes."

"But?" Carlisle pressed understanding as a good father always could that Edward still had more to say and ask Carlisle about today.

"She's really attached to it, it curls up next to her on the bed when I'm not there. She loves that thing and I'm the monster that killed it! She's going to hate me."

"She may not hate you. She understands you have certain tendencies towards big cat's, little cat's are only little. Bit pointless really on the whole dinner front don't you think. I mean they are so little, but she has being very understanding about your blood-lust so far Edward. Incredibly understanding I'd say."

"I know she has. That just makes it even worse. I can control myself around Bella and she's the sweetest, most mouth-watering...even when she's laid next to me on the bed and we're...it was just a scrawny little cat! I sucked it dry and it didn't do much for my hunger really. Barely even a snack. It's not even seven pounds. Well it wasn't, it definitely isn't now. I got every last drop out of that thing. I can't let her see it like that. She'd be heartbroken. I can't break her heart because it would break me as well."

"What are you going to do then Edward?"

"Well obviously that's why I'm talking to you!" Edward grumbled spotting this tac-tic straight off and although not wholly unexpected it didn't mean it was what he was looking for in talking to Carlisle about his current problem.

"Well you either lie to her, let her think it's run away and eventually she'll start to believe something awful and dreadful has happened to it. She'll be upset thinking it's out in the woods or on the streets in the snow all alone, she'll think it's slowly starving to death and that'll upset her even more. She'll want to go look for it I'm sure particularly when the weather is really bad so she'll get cold while she's out there and knowing Bella she'd go out without you and end up falling down on a patch of ice and breaking something. Even if you go with her or the weather suddenly gets much warmer she will get upset because she's sensitive and thoughtful like that even if it is just a cat." Carlisle explained quiet happy to load on the guilt and make Edward do the right thing. It was a wonderfully useful tac-tic with his diligently moral son, it never really worked on Emmett but two out of three wasn't bad.

"Carlisle, I can't do that to her, she'd be so upset for so long. And she'd never want to get another cat in case this one came home again. I don't particularly like having them around but this one made her so happy even if it was just an annoying tiny little fur ball."

"Well then. Or you sit her down and tell her the truth, she left you alone with it for five minutes assuming you could control yourself and in under five minutes you snapped it's head off and sucked it dry like you were a fat kid that was finally left alone with a double chocolate Sunday with extra cream and a chocolate cherry on top." Carlisle explained casually flicking through a medical text book and waiting for Edward to realise there was no way around this. He killed that cat and now he had to accept the consequences.

"I can't tell her that either, she'd still be upset and she'd be frightened of me then. I want her to understand it's difficult sometimes for me but I don't want her to be frightened of me. I can control myself and I love her, I never want to hurt her."

"Well you kind of have Edward. You killed her loving little kitty. Bella's very motherly like Esme, I think that's why she cares for Jacob so much in a way, she likes to take care of him like she does her father and seen as the path she'd chosen with you is unlikely to involve any children for her it's no wonder she got attached to a little cat with big amber eyes that she can take care of."

"And I killed it! She loved that cat like it was a pretend child and I killed it!"

"Yes Edward, you did. You sucked it dry and murdered her pretend child."

"What do I do now?"

"You already know what you have to do Edward. You don't need me to tell you, now do you?"

"I can't lie to her."

"No you can't lie to Bella. You love her therefore you can't lie to her and feel comfortable with it."

"It would feel un-natural and horrible and I wouldn't be able to keep it from her for long, I'd end up telling her anyway and then it would be ever worse because then she'd of known that I'd lied to her. She wouldn't trust me anymore even if she does still love me afterwards. I don't think I could bare that, love but no trust, that's no love at all really." Satisfied that Edward had accepted he was going to have to take responsibility for his actions Carlisle turned his words to comfort and advice.

"Well maybe you could take her to get another cat Edward? This time you could try and take care of it together. Share it even."

"I don't know, she didn't even want that one, she really didn't at first but then she took it home because she wouldn't see it simply get put down. I even mentioned the idea to Jasper before, he said he'd do it. That way I could promise Bella that Jasper would make it feel all happy and kill it before it even had chance to think something was wrong, she really didn't like the idea of injecting poison into the little thing. I think she imagined it would feel like venom burning through the cats system. I told her it wouldn't, that no vet would do that but she just couldn't shake the thought."

"What about Jasper. Were you scared of killing a little cat so you decided to get Jasper to do it for you?" Carlisle wondered sure that couldn't make any logical sense no matter how 'vegetarian' one happened to be. A cat was a cat, they had warm blood floating around them that one could feed off and that was the end of it.

"No, it's just. I couldn't kill something Bella was that affectionate towards. She loved that cat and I was sure I could never hurt it even if she gave me permission. But Jasper said he didn't care, 'a snack's a snack' he said and if he's not allowed people he'll have one of every other animal in existence until he finds something that tastes just as good."

"Edward you killed the furry little thing anyway, you can't have had that much of a problem with killing something Bella was so affectionate towards!"

_And I know that's how he thinks sometimes but I'm quite sure he's never going to find anything that tastes as good as human however many species he tries._

"I know. She's going to be heart-broken; I couldn't just replace it with another cat. Alice even got her a collar with it's name in fake diamonds around the side. Sappy-Cat." Edward explained pulling out the little honey strap with a bell on from his pocket that suspiciously had no cat to tie it to anymore.

"Edward you just have to suck it up and tell her."

"I think I've done enough sucking today Carlisle."

"Yes I heard, we are going to talk about your alone time with Bella at some point soon. Particularly if you've finally crossed the line of taking a few items of clothing off of each other."

"It wasn't that many, her dad called." Edward mumbled quietly.

"I want you to be happy with her but I'm worried you might bite off more than you expect. And I don't mean literally, although that obviously is something you are going to have to watch out for."

"Fine I'll go tell her. Anything to get out of that conversation, that conversation we are not having, ever! I don't care what Esme says we aren't having it!"

"Today, not tomorrow, tell her today, sit her down and tell her calmly what's happened, then wait for her to get upset about it and let it all sink in and then answer any questions she has."

"What if she asks something I don't have the answer to?"

"Then tell her you don't know. Don't lie and don't mock her, just because you don't see the pleasure in having a little kitty to care for doesn't mean her feelings aren't real to her."

"I like big cat's. But I suppose it's not really a pet thing is it?" Edward explained a little thickly, he didn't want to talk to Carlisle about his sex life but he didn't want to talk to Bella about his murderous nature either.

"No, now go on and confess your sins to her, you should feel better afterwards."

"I hope so, I feel awful now."

"Well you did chow down on Bella's furry little five pound cat after promising her so faithfully you wouldn't harm it however suicidal it was trying to protect her from you now didn't you." Carlisle explained in one quick fluid breath. Edward merely grumbled back at him.

"Shut up Carlisle!"

"I'll see you at home tonight son." Carlisle called softly as Edward jumped out the window and disappeared into the woods again.

Despite agreeing with Carlisle that telling Bella the truth was probably the only option, Edward still entertained ideas of replacing the cat before Bella noticed Sappy-Cat was missing all the way back to the house. Bella wasn't back yet and so Edward was forced to sit in her room soaking up her sweet-smell to get his resistance back up before seeing her. He sat there thinking about the two most awful things he'd have to face today.

Firstly Bella was going to hate him. He was sure of it, even if it was only for a couple of seconds before she forgave him, those seconds that she would actually hate him were going to be horrific and he'd see it all on her face.

The other thing was less painful but just as horrible.

Rosalie would be proved right. He was a ridiculously territorial, over-reacting, boyfriend that got jealous of the little cat Bella had in her heart and so he killed it the very moment he was finally left alone with it. Carlisle was bound to tell Esme and so the entire Cullen family would know about it.

Edward would never live this down, he was sure of it!


End file.
